Concessions Confession: Phalacrophobia – The Fear of Going Bald

Logline: Andrew Wood has to deal with premature balding and his buddies soft core pornography website startup. What wacky shenanigan’s ensue in the worst parts of Annie Hall meet the Worst parts of American Pie.

Bald is to simply put it, one of the worst movies I have ever seen, for real Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, those atrocious spoof movies look like Citizen Kane compared to this dare I say crap. Bald stars Jonathan Cherry ( House of the Dead, Final Destination 2) and David Lengel (WandaVision, Jungle Cruise) as two of the biggest douchebags on the planets. Only a true psychotic nutbag could sympathize with their childish and moronic antics to get laid and get paid. The rest of the cast is filled with Offensive stereotypes with no creativity or class to it. airplane and the Simpsons I think are examples that humor portraying stereotypes can still be funny as long as your humor is absurd or clever enough or you humanize your characters beyond the stereotypes.

This movie is exploitative and rarely do I feel like I need to shower after a film but Bald makes me want to bleach myself with how just unfathomably pathetic it is. Middle East people are called a bomb threat, wow how original. It might be the most offensively flamboyant portrayal of being gay that it almost makes Cuba Gooding Jr. in As Good As It Gets look straight. It just never makes sense, there’s this lesbian couple and the one girl’s personality is she never wears a top. By that I mean bra, shirt, no article of clothes above the waist. Just half the time I just can’t comprehend what I am watching.

The whole movie could be summed up as sleazy non-sequitur. Nothing matters, not the plot, not the character motives, there’s no themes. It honestly just feels like a pathetic excuse to see woman topless and try to make the most dude bro movie in existence. Bald sucks and everyone involved should be embarrassed to have their name attached to such a pathetic attempt at a movie.

Awful Yes….But Disturbing?

Maybe at this point some questions are being raised. Why would I include an obviously bad raunchy comedy in my month of spooky tales. What about it put me at unease. Usually, when reviewing such amateur work I always tend to be sympathetic towards the director or writer of the film as someone pursing their dream or artistic vision of creating a film. However, I don’t think it is controversial when I say that Bald’s Writer-Director Blake Leibel is a real piece of shit, and he can go burn in hell for all I care. If it were up to me, making a film as bad as Bald should be a crime, but that’s not why Leibel is serving life in prison now is it.

The truth of the matter is that nobody brings up Blake Leibel for crappy movie or his gore-filled graphic novel or that time he referred to a bag full of helicopters in an interview; instead Leibel is known for being consider the Comic Book Killer. Now I’m just a movie reviewer and I would like to spare you all from the gruesome details but for a little bit of context. Blake Leibel after being bailed out after an accusation of rape from his mistress, would end up murdering the mother of his week old new born child, Iana Kasian. There’s something chilling about hearing that not only was the cause of death exsanguination (drained blood loss), but the coroner report described her injuries “like nothing he’s seen before, except for maybe during war times”.

The Comic Book Killer moniker was dubbed in reference to Syndrome, Leibel’s horror graphic novel that featured a scientist studying serial killers in search for a cure them of their lack of empathy and violent tendencies. While most media outlets draw the obvious parallels to this comic but I can’t help being unable to separate art from artist. The character Andrew Wood is a neurotic character that constantly gets lost in thoughts. Woodie displays paranoia often imagining others talking about his bald spot as his thoughts spew constant sexist, racist or other unpleasant thoughts.

I guess that looks can truly be deceiving, and that something the story behind the story is something truly frightening. Watching the behind the scenes footage it is interesting that most of the cast seems to be enjoying themselves. Strange to think that so many people were in close proximity, and taking orders from someone truly capable of something so heinous. Bald is a horrible movie, but it will be always attached to a true horror story.

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