by Kat Wyatt

The rambunctious cynical movie critic K of K at the Movies has in a short time proven to be a force to be reckon with across WordPress. While unpredictable, K is far from the most powerful writer across the blogosphere.

So, what would the outcome be if some of our fan favorites where to go toe to toe with the anonymous top hat? These outcomes for now our purely hypothetical but we fully considered what attributes or skills would prevail in a duel.

Without further ado, here are 5 bloggers K can defeat, and 5 K doesn’t stand a chance against.

10

K Can Defeat: Average Joe Reviews

This outcome comes firmly because of one key factor: Average Joe has a camera for a face. K’s non-photogenic personality proves a knack to avoid detection from camera’s and has enough strength to deal with breaking fancy equipment if needed to.

K benefits from having this as a 1 v 1 as if Joe could summon his friend, Godzilla King of the Monsters… we’re sure this fight has a much different outcome.

9

K Can’t Defeat: Irina (I Drink and Watch Anime)

Rini 2020 (9)

This tweet provides the key to K’s downfall, 12 piercings. Irina is potentially coming strapped with 12 weapons on deck. If mildly inconvenient sharp objects aren’t enough Irina might be able to keep K guessing with her artful use of non-sequitur .

At the end of the day, Irina’s popularity would give her plot armor level defenses and we’ve all seen what Rock Lee can do with an alcoholic power-up so I’d assume Irina would be fighting in a league of her own.

8

K Can Defeat: Crow (Crow’s World of Anime)

While Crow is one of the nicest around, it still doesn’t overcome the fact that Crow is just a bird. K could just lock himself indoors and there’s a good chance Crow will just eventually run into a window.

Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds and James Nguyen’s Birdemic: Shock and Terror display how much damage birds can do. However, these birds just don’t have great durability and film critics have been shown to be effective in brutalizing crow’s (The Crow: Salvation, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, and Russell Crowe) so we’d have to give K the edge in this one.

7

K Can’t Defeat: Scott (Mechanical Anime Reviews)

I mean as soon as Scott gets in his Mech this one is pretty much over. I’m sure Scott would only be using the highest quality mechs so any hopes of draining the battery or causing water damage would work to no avail.

Even if K is given time to prep and set up an ambush, it’s doubtful he’d be able to outsmart the guy with an Aerospace Engineering Master’s Degree. No matter how you slice it, K ends up getting crushed.

6

K Can Defeat: V (#Millennial Life Crisis)

V has a lot that K doesn’t: a large following, good content, actual talent, self-respect. However, you know what else V has… Celiac disease.

I give it pretty good odds that K is equipped with some white bread, and even if K isn’t then all K has to do is last long enough to use Google Maps and take this battle to the nearest Subway sandwich shop.

5

K Can’t Defeat: Ospreyshire (Ospreyshire’s Realm)

Equipped with the Iridium Eye, Ospreyshire can flex his ancient wisdom and pretty much banish dudes to the shadow realm. Would K even really stand a chance?

Ospreyshire has learned about the heritage and culture of the Congolese, so he might be well-versed with Catch Fétiche or Voodoo Wrestling. Combining African wrestling traditions with Hulk Hogan inspired showmanship this fighting style is sure to outclass K’s real lack of training.

4

K Can Defeat: Iniksbane (In Search of Number Nine)

A lot can go into battle, and it can be as much about weaknesses as it is about raw strength. While Iniksbane probably has the upper hand, never underestimate K’s ability to be sneaky and underhanded.

K probably uses Iniksbane’s desperation to find the Ninth Best Anime to cause him to look over there, and then follow up this misdirection with bonking him on the head with a conveniently placed piece of plywood. If this tactic fails, K probably loses badly but from what we’ve gathered this outcome is too likely to write off.

3

K Can’t Defeat: The Galvanic Team

I’m very confused, is K supposed to fight the two mascots from the banner or fight the entire writing staff (Voyager, Sharlenne, Evil Bob)? I feel like this doesn’t follow the previously stated 1 v 1 rule, but I mean we’re almost done, and you’ve made it this far.

K might be a capable strategist, but he’s no match for ‘Evil Bob’. I don’t know I feel like K gets wobbled by these two anime girls like they’re the ice climbers while Evil Bob schemes up his demise. K has been one of those more comedic villains, more of a mild inconvenience then being capable of much damage outside of awful parodies so he probably wouldn’t fair well against this powerful team.

2.

K Can Defeat: Pinkie (Pinkie’s Paradise)

K’s creativity vs Pinkie’s imagination might be a clash for the ages. It’s heavily implied that Pinkie’s bright personality and source of power is the color pink. Sort of like pixie dust but it’s pinkie dust.

It’s canon from K’s Carnival of Souls review that part of his ‘magic of the movies’ allows him to alter reality into gray-scale with just the clap of his hands. This would ensure swift victory, however, this battle is not as easy as it sounds. With prep time, Pinkie’s going to be strapped: 6 Pokémon, sp. Attack boosts, potions, leftovers you name it. I don’t think K stands a chance against 95% of Pokémon and I highly doubt K is going to be thinking of changing reality while Charizard is mauling K to death so K has a win condition, but I see this going either way. However, if Pinkie enters Jojo’s form Pinku Pumpu…. it’s over.

1

K Can’t Defeat: Aria Animanga Spellbook

Magicconan14/Aria is “ an average person who serves as an average blogger…when they’re not off watching anime/reading manga, listening to music or wandering off somewhere else, that is”. This heavily implies that when engaging in these activities Aria has access to an ancient series of spells known as “anime”.

I don’t want to discredit K, from his Frozen II review we can see that he possesses some vague magic power but I’m pretty sure this doesn’t outclass the power of “anime”. Plus if K’s thumbnails are canon, K’s  Space is the Place planet design features K wearing a space helmet. This soft confirmation that K can’t survive the vacuum of space presents Aria with a clear win with a simple transportation spell while K really doesn’t have anything to rival this master of magic.

39 thoughts on “K at the Movies: 5 Bloggers K Can Defeat (& 5 K Can’t)

  1. Fufufufufufu!
    You assume my strength comes from the colour pink! But in actuality I can make things pink!
    Look at the sands of my beach! Pink! Look at all cocktails, Pink! I am not fueled by pink, just everything touches becomes pink! Even Alex Louis Armstrong.. became Pink! I am like King Midas.. but with pink!!…
    I shall turn your grey world into pink cities! Looking over pink meadows. Just look at the power of my image in this post! Your grey world is now pinker! Fufufufufu!
    But seriously thank you for the refference , such a fun post idea. Let’s hope we never get in a real fight… because I know plenty pokémon who can much worse things to you than Charizard ever could…. teehee *winku*

    Liked by 7 people

    1. It really sounds like my intern…I mean professional writer really only judged you based on Season 1 power levels. Oh well, poorly researched articles just cause you to correct them in the comments, oh well you can’t unview it.

      Im sure she was thrown for a loop by the recent Jojo’s stand reference. I don’t know if I agree with this article either… Maybe make your own version of this I’d find it kind of fun to see someone else theoretical fight everyone.

      I definitely agree, we’re all friends here and I hope this was a little fun to think about.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Way to make me sound like a Congolese-American wrestling Pegasus. HAHAHAHAHA!

    For real, this was quite hilarious. If is Ospreyshire fighter persona were to be a real life person of sorts, he would incorporate some of that Catch Fetiche, Laamb Wrestling to incorporate a bit of my Senegalese heritage, and some modern indie BritWres prowess since getting into that field over the past year and to play off my paternal heritage as well. Perhaps I could cut promos in English, Lingala, and Swahili to name a few (I’m not fluent in the last one, but I’ve been learning Lingala which is fun). Despite my severe issues with the WWE at the moment, there is only one option as a finishing move and this is both a wrestling and geography reference given the aforementioned Congolese ethnic stock: KINSHASA!!! (or Bomaye which was the original name.)

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Definitely sounds like a daunting opponent, sounds like my intern was right when she thought I’d get my butt kicked.

      I’m more of a Killswitch/unprettier guy but I don’t think that’s more effective than Nakamura’s finisher.

      Glad this silly post could actually have some neat facts included.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hahaha! Maybe there is some truth to that. I swear I’m not as devious or bizarre as Pegasus though.

        I’m not an expert on wrestling, but I did see what you’re talking about with Christian. Yeah, Shinsuke Nakamura is certainly intense and I heard he has a legit MMA background, too. I wondered why he named his finisher after DRC’s capital/largest city, but I found out that it was a reference to the location of Muhammad Ali’s match called The Rumble In the Jungle. In that boxing match, the crowd were fiercely pro-Ali and they chanted “Ali, bomaye!” which means “Ali, kill him!” in Lingala. Since WWE is a PG product and there would be unfortunate implications if (god forbid) Nakamura botched it, so he changed it to Kinshasa. Funny how some people think it was a Japanese word to begin with.

        Sure thing, K! That was really creative and hilarious. I even got to mention some more facts in that last comment which was fun.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It really was. There are actually some words in Lingala that are false cognates of Japanese if you compare the two. There’s “moto” which can mean “fire” or “hot”. Yes, that’s also how a certain Dreamworks hippo got his name. The Lingala word for 3 is actually Misato. Insert EVA joke here.

        That was a really cool mashup! If we had a tag team, maybe we should be called The Cinema Cast. It’s a wordplay with us being movie reviewers and a cast can be a group term for ospreys and other hawks. That and the initials would also be the same as The Criterion Collection. I guess our tag team finisher would be called the End Credits.

        Speaking of wrestling, did you ever check out that post I did a while back on my main blog? https://ospreyshire.wordpress.com/2019/12/16/representation-matters-pt-iv-that-one-time-when-i-got-inspiration-from-pro-wrestling-of-all-things-yes-really/

        Liked by 2 people

    1. The fact that this article has got people debating the power levels of people with a writing hobby has really been a bright part of my day. I agree I think Crow’s abilities are being downplayed but maybe it’s just because he’s more powerful in his manga content then anime. Then again, maybe you’re underestimating the strength of my windows.

      Glad you had fun reading, and in case you’re wondering I’d assume I’d lose to you.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Honestly, I just told my intern to do some of the cookie-cutter nonsense you’d see on sites with shallow content that gets clicks and stirs up engagement by presented opinion-driving fantasy scenarios. Even when the premise is as ridiculous as this it still kind of works. I definitely liked getting to shout out and promote good content creators who fingers-crossed won’t be trying to beat me up.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I just love this! It’s kind of astonishing and amazing in all sorts of ways. Each one of these was absolutely fun to read. 😀

    You would be probably astonished by how much of a ditz and scatter brain I am. If you throw some shiny things my way and distract me, I know I would lose. That happens a lot more then I would like to admit.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I just can’t beat a robot, Scott. Even with a conveniently placed piece of plywood, you might have a helmet on and that outcomes just as likely as you hitting me with a drone strike or something.

      I’m glad you and others are enjoying this I kind of just wanted a silly parody and I’m not sure if people would get the reference but I thought it was dumb fun and I’m glad I’m not the only one having fun with it.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I was a little surprised that my intern… I mean professional writer came to that conclusion too. I thought you were immortal or something but our research is just the opening paragraph of wikis and nothing came up. Haha isn’t that the fun of this, there’s barely any facts involved but it’s fun to have an opinion on it. Karandi had your back, so that’s pretty neat.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I actually laughed out loud at this hahahahaha! I’ve only ever smirked at posts!

    “K probably uses Iniksbane’s desperation to find the Ninth Best Anime to cause him to look over there”

    This line killed me. I’m seriously in awe of this writing. Great read!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Wow, that’s an amazing compliment. Thank you. I sort of got into this because I liked the idea of making people happy whether that’s the fun of communicating opinions, or recommending a good film or telling a dumb joke.

      I’ve been wondering a bit if my informal style of criticism of writing has been detrimental but I think small moments like everyone’s reaction to this silly nonsense I have no regrets with what I’m doing.

      Again, thank you, I’m glad you had a fun time reading.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Some people are morning birds, and some people are night owls. I’m just some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon.

    – stolen from a Facebook meme

    But really, Kat should be congratulated for seeing through my clever disguise and into my inner squirrel.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I leave town for a few days and I get roped into a fight!?! At least I win, obviously but still. Then again, waking up with a fuzzy memory of fisty cuffs is just part of the game so I can’t complain too much.

    I really love the version of my Avatar you chose. I think it’s my favourite and I don’t get to use it much.

    Awesome post K. Thank you for reminding me to always carry sharp things with me!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Fun fact: when I went to collect images I did go to “New Year, New Hair, New Avatar” so I can pick which one works best. I considered using the one captioned “I dunno either” because I thought it almost unintentionally looked like “Oh? You’re approaching me” but I didn’t know how much of a stretch that was and joke captions didn’t fit the parody. 2nd choice was “I can do it” which was very plucky protagonist look, but I went with this one because I guess I can read your mind or it just looked the most menacing showing your more devious then you might be letting on…

      Thank you for this comment though, your confidence is inspiring (inspiring me to never fight you) and it put a smile on my face.

      Never hurts to be carry sharp things, unless you trip… if you did leave town for a few days I hope you had a wonderful and fun time on your travels.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Who knew a great way to show off everyone’s unique traits and personalities was through fantasy combat scenarios? It is a fun thing to speculate and probably is part of why Shonen anime and Marvel is so freaking popular.

      Well, I’m very glad you stopped by and not for the sake of my ego or to inflate yours but because I thought it would be nice if you were in on the fun… and the idea of random strangers dropping in with no context of who I or any of these people are kind of makes me nervous.

      Like

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