Twas the night before Christmas and all here is groovy. Except for the panic to gift one more Christmas post from K at the Movies. ” I have no ideas and there’s only one week!” K let out in a shriek. K shrugged his shoulder comforted by the thought that whatever he would have come up with would have gone certainly unread. That’s when that lightbulb went off in his head. K snickered “this post is going to be huge, then nobody will be able to call me a Christmas Scrooge. Last year I watched all kinds of Christmas princes and recalled all the painful stupid moments that caused winces. But how blind of me to not realize there is even a greater subgenre to catalog… Nothing makes people’s heart grow three sizes larger than the sight of a festive Christmas Dog. K dashed off to watch these dogs flicks with a “ho, ho, ho” and when asked if he would continue this rhyming he retorted hell no.

Santa & Me

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Disappointedly, this poster is very misleading there’s barely any doggy in it all, there’s a dog that’s in this movie that’s a completely different breed and it’s just a background accessory. So how do I know this movie is bad… well first I have eyes… but second one second into the movie and I see this.

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I guess if someone doesn’t know my history… ITN Distribution is kind of my bitter rival. There non-existent quality control and more than likely shady business angle has haunted me again and again when I least expect it. This is no exception. Santa & Me is hot garbage, it is a film that you could have told me it was completely made by a group of six graders and I would sincerely believe it. And I really don’t want to make fun of it too much.

Trust me that there is many things that are fodder for pointing out all the idiotic logic and cheapness of the film:

  • why does the main character sleep next to a baseball bat?
  • why does the “Versace” designed clothes look like they belong on a clearance rack
  •  why is santa “African-American”, why does he not deliver gifts but still shows up at people’s houses, and why does it seem like he doesn’t know the lyrics to Santa Claus is Coming to Town and how would a song that originated from 1930’s causes a myth of Santa delivering presents.
  • Who thought it was a good idea to pretty much have your “monster transformation” basically just be the equivalent of the moronic and shallow “don’t judge me challenge”
  • Why does this one girl believe that it is more likely that she’ll get accepted into a Chinese space program and that they’ll select an American-born citizen to be the first person on the surface of mars rather than the US. Starting it’s space program up again which is that in a “this film’s” universe because NASA has just halted lunar exploration missions and Elon Musk’s Spacex is probably the closest to achieving the Mars thing and don’t give me no Elon Musk wasn’t around during the year this film was produced because Spacex was founded in 2002.
  • Why do all the actors fumble there lines so much. why wouldn’t we get another take if it is that bad?
  • Why is there a Shrek cameo?
  • Why can’t I tell how much time has passed, I think it’s a full year, but I swear it feels like a week.
  • How is the audio recorded, internal camera mic, mic attached to the camera, actual boom mic, external recorder, a combination of all these who knows?

Okay, enough is enough this might be the dumbest beauty and the beast narrative I’ve ever seen but is it all that bad? I had one good thing to say about this movie and believe me when I say I was going to say this all along and I truly mean it and am not influenced by information I’ve yet to disclose. The one compliment I give to this movie is the main actress, Athena Baumeister earned my respect because despite being given one stinker of a script, she tries her heart out. I felt bad, because she tried so hard, I was thinking like what if she believes like this will lead to future roles or what misconception did they believe her to think this was going to turn out anything worth giving a damn about.

I scrutinize bad filmmaking quite often, but I don’t root for people to fail, I truly hope that bad filmmakers can learn and improve if they actually possess the desire to do so. ITN Distribution is also to blame as Israel Luna of the 1.9/10 IMDb reviewed film The Ouija Experiment 2 Said that the distribution company gave them strict short-deadlines to achieve the movie which probably plagues all there movies. We all have to start somewhere so I was really going to wish Miss Athena Baumeister a bright and fruitful career with many great roles to come but I ended up discovering some unfortunate news. Athena Baumeister has tragically passed away as of April 14, 2014 at the age of 16. There’s some speculation on cause of death and I respect you internet rats on your curiosity but because I’ve heard some conflicting things and from my knowledge the family wants to keep the details private I’m going to respect their wishes and I’d encourage anyone else to do the same. You can still see on YouTube some of Athena’s old YouTube videos one which features Nickelodeon Star Kira Kosarin before she was famous and it just paints the picture of the young and aspiring person trying to pursue their dreams and that’s something that deserves to be immortalized then some dumb cheap Santa movie. I would like to send my condolences to family and close friends I’m sorry for your loss and if you don’t believe my words on how much Athena Baumeister respected this film I find it only fitting that she gets the final words for this segment.

Well, I give every role the same amount of respect. I feel that shooting a webisode isn’t much different than a short film. I give them all the same amount of effort and give them all the same amount of work.

– Athena Baumeister, Interview by Karen Bernardello, We Got This Covered

Christmas Tail

A Christmas Tail (2014)

A Christmas Tail is well I guess it’s a movie. First things first, this golden retriever is majestic. If you’re going to do a dog movie well this big fella supplies everything that is advertised. The only knock on it is that it is painfully standard and plays like it’s a feature length IAMS dog food commercial. This town has maybe the most inefficient local pound ever. What do you mean he’s the only dog have you ever been to the pound, where are the cute dogs that have the most questionable medical reports, or the ones that look plucked out of a Sarah McLachlan commercial or the one dog that constantly barks?

It’s too goofy for most people especially when it comes to the conniving ex-boyfriend and co-worker, but I mean in never felt out of place. It has the cheese of a Lifetime or Hallmark movie but doesn’t have the sleek aesthetic look that makes me go why would I rather watch this over a Lifetime Fitness or Hall pass movie?

The only notable thing is that similar to last year’s look it The Christmas Prince Genre last year I found weird semantics that don’t make sense like 2 out of 3 of the Christmas Prince movies reviewed has pancakes in them for reasons? Well this is the second movie that has referenced Attila the Hun. So how does Attila the Hun, a fearsome adversary for the Roman Empires have anything to do with OMG look at the cute doggy….. you’re answer is as good as mine.

The Dogwalker’s Christmas

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I don’t know what to say about this one, I guess my watching experience was pretty neutral. The IMDb reviewer Christmas-Reviewer who claims they have over 300 Holiday Films & Specials reviewed (why?) and they kind of put this one best:

“This film is watchable, but you will forget the film by the time you wake up in the morning”

I like that the dog element was organically introduced as this is about dog walking and there’s this dog park and that’s why there’s doggy. The green screen looks good for the most part, it’s revealing with how flat the lighting scheme is but there’s certainly worse attempts out there. The real highlights of the film were the opening when she goes on this date with her boyfriend and when she tells him they’re a couple and they should get each other gifts for the holidays…pretty simple facts but his reaction pretty much goes “I don’t even remember your name”. Then there’s this business, property owner and his acting is so abysmal that it is only about a step up from just filming a teleprompter delivering the dialogue.

The great sham with this movie is that again, I have been bested by those savage soccer moms over at Common Sense Media who ripped this movie a new one. They went as far call this film “a waste of time” and recommend talking with your child whether they felt “Do you think that the filmmakers didn’t think the plot through thoroughly”.

I don’t understand who this movie is for as the human interaction is so shallow, I don’t think the rom-com element is all that engaging, and the presentation is all too adult-ish for children to show any interest in your dog movie so the end conclusion is that this movie just exists because it does. Still the best I’ve watched with probably time for one more. The trend I’m seeing is that Amazon Prime will put up just about anything on their streaming service.

O Christmas Dog

Amazon will literally put anything on this streaming service. This two-minute marvel is a lovely revision of O Christmas Tree by 9-year-old Janie T. Hey, not a bad song but could we at least rhyme “me” with “doggy” instead of “dog” I think it would sound a little better. I assume Janie also animated this and that I’m very impressed as this looks good if it was done by a 9-year-old… though something tells me it isn’t. I me it is for babies so this is fine at least it’s not the next item on the list.

Jingle Bells Dog Christmas Special

If you’ve felt that the entries so far haven’t felt “intrusive” enough then boy do I have something for you. This 5 minutes of hard to even describe video (full version is on Amazon Prime this is a sneak peak on the creators YouTube) that best I can describe it is your uncle trying to take video while the family is on vacation and then the very first time, they’ve opened a video editor and they try to make some corny Christmas thing. This doggy gets extra points for being the fastest poodle way to go. The highlight was when they sang happy birthday to Jesus, yep that happens. I’m fine with this existing but why is it on Amazon Prime who besides DD Rapman and The Wolf Rock Band want to watch this?

Maymo the Christmas Dog

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This is probably someone’s fetish right?

10/10 Would watch Doggy put Hairspray in the microwave again.

The 12 Dogs of Christmas

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Who let the dogs out? This girl that’s who. The 12 Dogs of Christmas is most certainly the greatest production value of the bunch. Actually being shot on film, and doing enough in the art department to create a 1930’s Depression Era look. Also if you’re looking for quantity, this film does by far have the most dogs in it. In strange appearances Adam Hicks of Disney Channel Lemonade Mouth Fame is in this movie… though that’s not really what he’s known for now but I’m not going to bring down the mood again.

Is this movie good? This movie isn’t cheap looking to say the least. What teacher approved of a school pageant with over 78 dogs in it… that’s just a logistical mess. The story can get overly sappy and sometimes it looks like Brie Larson Jr. doesn’t want to be there but overall it’s a solid effort… the best of the bunch.

Final Remarks

This is only the tip of the iceberg and there’s plenty more dog movie out there. When I wrapped up my reviews on Christmas Princes I pinned down how the genre has a bunch of recurrences and questioned why the royalty romance doesn’t have any iterations for other holidays. However, dog seems to broad a plot elements as we’ve really proven you can do anything with a dog on the poster, and that’s why there’s plenty of year round festive doggy tales. I guess it really is a chicken or the egg situation in that did they market the movie with a dog because the film was cheap and lazy or did they make a movie cheap because they knew they could market it with a dog?

Thank you for joining me in this merry time of year I hope you’ve enjoyed this look into the good times and the bad times and certainly the weird times of the holiday season. If you have a favorite Christmas Dog movie I’d love to hear it down in the comments. I’d like to wish everybody a very merry christmas and a happy new year and may all your holiday wishes come true to you and your pets. This has been K the Hun and hopefully you’ll join me in bringing the end of western civilization in the new year one movie at a time.

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