I’m not going to say much on A Perfect Man (2013) because honestly, who gives a fudge about A Perfect Man. I’m just going to ramble nonsensically but this movie is lowkey hilarious. You know the dialogue is bad when I watch the opening scene and think that this is some kind of “movie within a movie rom-com fantasy” like the man characters going to be scooping some mint chip ice cream and being like “man I wish life was like it was in the movies” but then that scene never came.

So what is the plot of this God awful mess you may ask? Nina finds out that her husband is cheating on her for the 4+ time and has decided that this time she’s had enough and decides to move in with her friend. That’s the plot and Netflix LIED to me to get me to watch it. Netflix’s first description of the movie is:

What do you do when your husband flunks your is-he-cheating test? Dump him? Or seduce him all over again?

Haha me being a stupid idiot thought that she was literally going to take like a teen magazine quiz and answer multiple choice questions and finds out her husband sounds like a real asshole. Instead she just calls him and puts on a fony European accent and tricks him into liking this stranger who called him.

Liev Schreiber honestly can’t blame him cause he’s working with really bad dialogue but I felt they wanted this seductive Christian Grey character and he was such a dweeb, I keep thinking he looked like an ROTC version of Taran Killam. Honestly this film is so incredibly stupid that the fact he’s only cheated like four times is a testament to his strength because literally everyone wants to sleep with him. Literally a college graduate approaches him and goes

“Hey, you fudged my mom. My parents or divorced and I’m not mad about that like a rational human being. Anyway wanna fudge”

Women you’re all beautiful and special and no-one deserves sloppy seconds especially their mom’s left-overs. But serious so many women randomly try to hook up with this man that his mother just randomly shows the fudge out of nowhere and I’m like who is she now… and is she tryin’ fudge.

The only thing good about this screenplay is how surprising it is at times. There’s one scene in which Nina and her friends get hit on by some cowboy and Crocodile Dundee at a bar and then Nina’s friend gets into a fight with the cowboy and I’m so confused on what’s happening I was asking like “Why is that man shouting homophobic slurs at them??” … … … OH! Scarlett Johansson ain’t the only one out her stealing peoples job.

Am I missing something? I looked up bios about the actress (Joelle Carter) and I saw nothing talking about her being transgender. 2013 was different times that’s for sure best character in this movie but what a weird and unexpected thing to happen.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this movie looked like it was from the 90’s despite it being released in 2013. Then it hit me, are they using film? Is this mind-numbingly stupid film actually using the non-cost effective route of shooting in film instead of a digital camera. Lo and behold the film was shot with an Arriflex 535 a 35mm film camera from 1990. Film vs Digital is a respectable debate but who’s the moron who thought spending all the money to shot this on film was a good idea?

Apparently it wasn’t a good idea at all. IMDb estimates that the budget of this film was $5 million and according the Boxofficemojo.com, the film grossed domestically $7,117 ($338 opening weekend), no missing zeros this movie just did that bad.

Still I think this movie is kind of funny, there’s something funny about Liev Schreiber’s stupid upside pyramid design being obliterated by an intense wind simulation. I like how upside down pyramid was both something that is baby easy to design without any idea of architecture and was probably picked to sound absurd but also be “something never done before” but these actually exists thanks to zany architects in Arizona and Slovakia.

The icing on the cake is that the message and plot of the movie is terrible. It doesn’t matter how many times someone cheats on you because you really have no other options and they’ll get some advice from their mom and won’t sleep with a college student that they brought to have sex and that will count as a character arc. Also GET IT she’s going from Amsterdam to New York to become a new person because “even old New York was once New Amsterdam”.  What’s it like in New York? It’s not important.

That’s it, I had fun watching this movie but I don’t really expect anyone to be checking this one out or enjoying it anytime soon. Okay, goodbye now.

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