Warning this movie does contain some sensitive subject matters, and a bunch of unfunny jokes (unrelated). Viewer discretion is advised.

This took too long to make for how bad it turned out. Hey we all have to start somewhere you know. If people can unironically release this terrible horrible no good very bad movie with no shame than I guess I can make something to. Thanks for stopping by to watch especially y’all making the extra effort and reading on the WordPress, Real MVP’s all of ya. That’s it, below is the my transcript for what I say in case you don’t speak English or hate my insufferable, irritating voice as much as I do as well as all the stuff used to make this very review possible. For some reason you like the video you can always check out the first K at the Movies video review on the cult classic, and public domain film Spider Baby!

K’s Transcript

What the hell did I just watch? Haunting of the Innocent is the worst movie I have ever seen to date and I’ve seen this [insert clip of The Ouija Experiment 2] and this [insert clip of American Poltergeist] and even this [insert clip of Leo the Lion].

Safe to say I’m a glutton for punishment but at least all of these are kind of funny, and at least make sense in their plots. I have no idea how to review this movie because I’m not sure I even know what the hell is happening.

I mean read the title, Haunting of the Innocent could there be a more generic title than that. Then look at the poster. From the poster what do you suppose this movie is about, you guessed it Vikings.

The movie opens and let’s see how quickly it makes me think of a better movie I could be watching.

Damn one second in, how long does it take me to not understand what’s happening after the title.

Damn. How many cityscape shots does it take to open a movie?

Okay but the movie is going to get started… any minute now.    Any minute now.    Any minute

Something happen already ahhhh

So I can’t really show the rape scene but that’s what happens. Then we meet her husband who is your typical office sleaze who flirts with his female co-workers. Before this turns into a graphic scene, his phone rings and he race off to meet his wife in the hospital.

The two have a loving embrace as the screen fades to black and what the hell is that?? You see that! What the hell do you think this movie is fight club or is the editor so bored with this movie that he’s hiding jumpscare in the transition frames.

We then come across Grandpa who always sounds like he’s narrating a nature documentary

Hopeful returning to this “pleasant town” will return the family to higher spirits. But quick someone help Dr. Phil he must have read the script

Back at home Tom is inclined to check out the tree, but what possible could be inside?

Speaking of the Raven it’s pretty obnoxious when you’re aware that the ravens are everywhere, I didn’t really notice at first because Ravens are just expected as a cheap horror gimmick, but I guess you were going for some foreshadowing imagery. At least you tried???

The entire 2nd act of this film is absolutely boring mess. I’ve never seen “horror movie” with such a mundane tone, and with the awkward pacing and corny script you’d swear that this was a sitcom.

Sadly, the script is the least of this film’s worries. I have been harsh on films before but usually can concede that some element of production is a worthy effort. There is not a single element of this that isn’t painful to watch. The cinematography is gross, maybe you’ve noticed but why is every single window blown out. I understand this is a common problem and I understand that sometimes it happens, but did they never watch any dailies and think maybe it wouldn’t hurt to adjust the camera settings, or to try and lit their interiors more, or not film everything at 2pm.

The score is dull and repetitive with no personality to it. I think it sounds worse than most stock music.

I honestly don’t think there is one positive thing to say about any aspects of production as they all display some degree of incompetence. I feel bad for the couple of actors who I at least perceive as trying to salvage it.

So, remember how I mentioned that this movie is some how about Vikings, well its time to derail the movie with the Viking backstory.

This goes on for a solid 3 minutes.

So basically, this Viking fights this witch and she puts a curse on him and the both die. Why are they fighting…. I dunno? The scene doesn’t really do much for giving exposition but at least we get some cool action between these two people larping.

It seems like it’s that time of the month and that it’s growing late can’t you tell by how dark it is outside that it’s time to go back home.

Grandpa and the kid look at a scrapbook in which the boy recognizes the witch lady despite him never meeting her ohhh spooky. I’m only bringing up this scene, so I can bring up this line.

So as his child is starting to worry about the state of his parents marriage it’s time for our man Tom to assure his wife that they can get through this rough patch. Oh and he has a master plan indeed.

Ask her what is wrong, tell her that you love her, then I Rape her.

No, no no. I’m not showing it and I do think its kind of disgusting how this movie handles such as severe subject matter and using it twice now to be the only sort consequence baring action in this movie. This whole project has a degree of immaturity to it that you’re really surprised that it’s not a bunch of high schoolers behind it.

This scene is the absolute worst but it’s the gift that keeps on giving. So during the rape, this movie decides that Tom also has to be growling during it. Take a listen.

So that was scene was distasteful but at least it can’t get any worse.

Having a scene in which a woman actually enjoyed getting rapped? Come on all together now

[You can’t do that is chanted by a crowd]

I can’t show what happens next either because the movie decides to become porn for the next 2 minutes??? Basically Tom fantasies about having sex with the witch lady and Brenda wakes up naked next to the witch lady. I’m now I’m skipping a few scenes but I leave you an out of context monologue to help you fill in the blanks.

Tom heads back to San Francisco to do what I do when my life has gone to shit, just ignore it.

I can’t show what happens because the film decides to be porn again.

I know that comment sounds like a joke but when I was trying to dig for any interviews or behind the scenes information of this film I accidently ended up on a pornographic website that uploaded the scenes of this movie.

At least this film completed its character arc of Tom deciding to go back and put his family before secretary THOTS and decides to make a truce with Grandpa as his son is in danger.

As he arrives it seems that he’s too late to stop the evil from ensuing and I hope you’re prepared for  THE GREATEST PLOT TWIST OF ALL TIME

[the kid stabs his dad in an unexpected twist, in video audio of Vince McMahon revealing himself as the leader of the Ministry of darkness is played]

At that about wraps up this movie, we have a creepy montage of everyone menacingly mugging the camera, drinking blood, and of course everyone’s favorite character.

NEVERMORE

I feel sorry for anyone who dedicated their time to watching this review, let alone actually watched the movie. I tried to figure out more about this abomination but all I could come up with was this fun photo shoot the decided to bother doing for… reasons???

You can find it on the directors YouTube account, and maybe send a subscribe he’s way as currently there are more establishing city shots in the opening credits than Mr. Matt Hish has YouTube Subscribers. ( I could also use some if you know what I mean)

There’s not much else to say, I opened this review with three of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and I think this is the least joy I’ve felt watching any of these crap films. I’d recommend Haunting of the Innocent to those of you who like watching pornos for the plot, and horrendous production quality. It’s now available on Amazon for those bold enough to watch such a disaster.

Thanks to anyone who endured this awful movie with me, I truly appreciate it. And as always I will see you at the movies.

Credits

Movie: Haunting of the Innocent – Director Matt Hish [credit Raging Bull Entertainment (Production) / Uncork’d Entertainment (Distribution) ]

Epic Chase Music – Ross Bugden https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujsCRw-eA0o

Shades of Spring Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Opportunity Walks Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

Avant Jazz Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Lobby Time Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Various Laugh Tracks J-Zazvurek  https://freesound.org/people/J.Zazvurek/packs/3886/

https://freesound.org/people/jimhancock/sounds/376318/

https://freesound.org/people/milton./sounds/183457/

Casey Depew – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7TkuIIiQbw

Confetti Canon – Paul Hill  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lw_smO-CjQ

Matt Hish’s publicity photo shoot https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oLB6mzEcaI

Leo the Lion credit Weinstein Company

American Poltergeist ITN Distribution

The Ouija Experiment 2: ITN Distribution

3 thoughts on “Haunting of the Innocent is Absolutely Horror-ible! At the Movies #1 [Video Review]

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