3 Ideas Worse Than ‘The Emoji Movie’

The Emoji Movie is being decreed as a sign of the end of times, a movie that marks almost everything wrong with modern cinema. While The Emoji Movie is the epitome of a film “no one really wanted” and while I intend on avoiding this movie like the plague, it makes sense to me. Like it or not Emojis transcend culture and communication in that everyone is aware or understand a small representation of facial expression as well as the rest of them… which is a little hardier to explain why they exist. Films and movies are at their roots about portraying certain emotions or conjuring up emotions in its’ audience. What better way to depict emotion then, emotional depiction? It is also a thing that already establishes characters, each character model is simple and has established characteristics in their singular emotion. People want to say that this movie is the worst idea ever or signaling the end of culture and I’m here to say, I can do far worse. I’m up to the challenge to pitching an idea far more devastating to humanity than The Emoji Movie and I’m going to try and actually sell them as not intentional bad movies but possible films that would be marketing the absurdity behind them. Also, I’m going to avoid Fidget Spinners because you all probably expect that one and it seems to be a little too real.

Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron Team Up in This Questionable Premise

Charlize Theron (left) as Lorraine Broughton in 'Atomic Blonde' [credit: Focus Features] and Scarlett Johansson as Major in 'Ghost in The Shell' [credit: Paramount Pictures]
Charlize Theron (left) as Lorraine Broughton in ‘Atomic Blonde’ [credit: Focus Features] and Scarlett Johansson as Major in ‘Ghost in The Shell’ [credit: Paramount Pictures]

A recent trend in Hollywood is that of a bad-ass female led action film and the two a top of this emerging trend is Scarlett Johansson (Lucy, Ghost in the Shell, The Avengers) and Charlize Theron ( Atomic Blonde, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Fate of the Furious). While both of these women are getting a decent pull from their stand-alone starring films it would be interesting to see them do a buddy or budding heads action flick together. So, we have some bad guy organization and they are planning to capture the biggest threat to their operation and the top female agent. They stake out this location in which their sources tell them that the target will be there in a white and gold dress. There they find Scarlett Johansson there who seemingly fits the description. However, it’s a mistake as Johansson was actually wearing a black and blue dress that under the bizarre over-exposed lightening appeared to be gold and white. Johansson however is some sort of bad-ass herself and fends these attackers off. Charlize Theron who was the intended target figures out what’s going on and the two team up to take down this deadly threat.

Do you all remember the debate caused by this dress (Image: swiked / tumblr)
Do you all remember the debate caused by this dress (Image: swiked / tumblr)

For anyone confused the picture above features the 2015 viral internet phenomenon in which everyone tried to solve the mystery behind the exact color of the dress. The dress was a baffling optical illusion that spiraled out of control. The rest of the mock out for the film is that it is going to play out as this genre typically plays out. I think if a major studio had this stereotypical film dressed in this odd wink at internet culture I think people can ignore the reference or feel an appeal towards seeing a movie inspired by a stupid photo that spread like wild fire on the internet. It would be just as if not more insidious then The Emoji Movie in that The Emoji Movie can’t escape how constantly pandering and ludicrous it is but in my movie, it’s only referenced in wardrobe and a couple plot points and is still just as uninspired in terms of story.

Snapchat: The Movie

A Ghost Story [credit: A24]
A Ghost Story [credit: A24]

If you want to go bigger than Emojis than you would probably have to go with the large social media app, Snapchat. I reluctantly decided to research just to make sure there isn’t already one in the works and that’s when this got interesting. Sickhouse is a found footage style movie filmed completely on snapchat. While it was an interesting option to use Snapchat as my production I didn’t think it was a good idea and instead decided to go about a Snapchat movie is that I would have a ghost like Casey Affleck in A Ghost Story and just have this wondering bed sheet ghost. The tone is going to be reminiscent of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button as we invest ourselves in Snappy the ghost. Snappy is somewhat of this lost wondering traveler who suffers from short-term memory attempting to connect, and witness the fantastic things that happen in this world yet, can’t remember them within a matter of seconds. Also, ever human character in the film he comes across has a facial recognition filter on them. Snappy the ghost is the physical embodiment of snapchat and will explore harrowing themes of how Snappy views the world so open and vast (translated through wide cinematography) and at the same time can only connect to in sort of a shallow and unfulfilling way. The more I theoretically conjure up this idea the more it doesn’t sound that bad in that it’s just using the app as sort of a figure head to make the undertones more blatant. That said this probably would just not for that it really alienates all audiences: I don’t think the general snapchat user wants to watch a slower pace sort of droll of a film and I don’t even think that A23 type of audience can sit through snapchat filters and bitmojis. I don’t know with Swiss Army Man in existence anything is possible but this wouldn’t happen because I don’t think Snapchat is going to sponsor something that presents their product in sort of “gray” area and not saving the universe.

Welcome to the Internet: Meme Movie

This is probably the closet you could come to being The Emoji Movie. What would be worse than “a world inside your [insert object- in this case phone]” would be to make the meme movie a high school drama. It would be an animated flick but maybe to match the sort of absurdity of the premise, be in a sort of mixed animation styles and character design in a fashion that The Amazing World of Gumball does. Like emojis the meme world presents unique and interesting characters: Pepe the frog, doge, grumpy cat that will create a circus to see how they will co-exist. Memes are already based in silly humor and the script will just write itself in moments that will easily shoe horn facial expressions and situations that relate to that meme style humor. It almost would become a meta humor in that the meme movie is going to be a meme itself from casting get: Nicolas Cage, Christopher Walken, and like Rowan Atkinson and weird comics and actors to at least cameo in the movie. The Soundtrack could be a meme with like Rick Astley “Never Going to Give you Up”, “Darude Sandstorm” and like “Careless Whisper”. The frightening thing about this idea is that if it was done to the ability that a major studio can do it, I don’t think it can fail. Even if it’s awful, I think meme culture would sustain the film sort of an ironic cult following and it will be such a spectacle that we’ve all become so familiarized with that we would be attracted to it. Our curiosity really would be our downfall, I think partially The Emoji Movie Fails in that it seems too bland. If it tried to be more of a zany instead of just trending similar waters of every other thing we’ve seen before. Welcome to the Internet: Meme Movie would be a draw to all, being a silly low brow humor that we’ll all get behind this mindless, yet fun and weird movie.

Closing Remarks

There we have it, three ideas that at the very least would help bring the end of times. What did you think are these ideas as bad as The Emoji Movie are would you actually go see one of them? Do You have any dumb ideas to give Hollywood? Let me know with a comment down below, and like most Hollywood films this post is actually a sequel, for more bad ideas I have to give the major studios check it out here. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the movies.

featured image is from everybodys’ favorite The Emoji Movie [credit: Sony Animations]


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